Bay Diary
BAY DIARY:
A spiritual journey towards recovery
‘To be human means to be a question in search of an answer’
(Patricia Deegan, US survivor)
Bay towards Point Cook
1998:
Discover Toxic Psychiatry by Peter Breggin, a psychiatrist who believes psychiatry dehumanizes people instead of helping them. Too radical to take in at this time!
1999:
Discover Patricia Deegan, who has retrained as a counselor. Her work is moving…
2003:
Eli Lilly, pharmaceutical maker of Zyprexa, is challenged in a number of court cases in the US over deaths attributed to this drug – evidence of heart disease and diabetes related deaths are frightening. This news takes time to filter through to Melbourne. I am scared and want to stop taking this drug. When I try, a recurrence of extremely unpleasant intrusive voices and insomnia, forces me straight back on the drug.
New Norfolk pines at dusk
2004:
In desperation I seek help from TRANX. They support withdrawal from benzo's. Because Zyprexa (Olanzapine) has a partial benzo component, they agree to help. My plan of action is to withdraw instantly, with counseling support. I do not take my drugs for 5 days, and at the end of that time, I have not slept for 5 days. My insomnia is so painful it is physically excruciating. TRANX assess my problem to be a classic schizophrenic symptom. Sadly, they state, they are unable to assist any further. I must resume my drug regime.
2005:
Seek medication review with local psychiatrist, in an effort to stop taking this dangerous drug. He is very sympathetic but warns me. All these drugs have very similar affects. We agree that I should try Solian. He tells me that my illness is mild, probably episodic, probably triggered by undue stress. I wonder if the 4 decades of taking these dangerous antipsychotic drugs has weakened my brain and my ability to absorb stress. I have never quite believed in my diagnosis, like many of my acquaintances in the psych system – we have all suffered abuses in childhood and believe our problems relating to maladjustment are to do with this early abuse, and not our defective genes, or imbalanced chemistry, as psychiatry would have it!
Yachts sailing mid-Winter
Near Elwood Beach
By 2006:
True to form, the Solian has caused my weight and cholesterol to spiral. The cost is high and I am thinking seriously that I want to give Solian up. I try on my own but always the reaction is the same: an onset of viciously unpleasant intrusive thoughts, and unbearable insomnia, causing problems at work.
Summer 2007:
Decide to research the whole issue more thoroughly. Discover Dr Peter Breggin’s website: www.breggin.com Am surprised by one of the titles of his other books “Your drug may be your problem” though having browsed “Toxic Psychiatry”, I should not be surprised. I send Ginger Breggin, Dr Breggin’s partner, an order to purchase the book. It arrives 3 weeks later.
Child with gull
March 2007:
I have now been in my new permanent job for 6 months. I feel proud and strong that I have achieved this. I think I am strong enough and well enough to attempt to withdraw absolutely seriously. I begin by reducing my dose by one tablet per week. My insomnia is something I have learned to live with. Now I also have a considerable build up of anxiety and almost paranoia as well. My growing self confidence has made me a little too open with people and I am almost becoming outspoken.
May 2007:
I sell my flat in a disability block purchased by ‘The Club’ which operates to support people like me. I sign a contract for a tiny single bedroom flat beside the Bay in Elwood. But! This leaves me frantic with worry… Am I doing the right thing? Will my new neighbours be as noisy as the last ones were? I could not stand it if I had moved from one noisy stressful situation to an even worse one!
Path between Elwood and Marina
Mid May 2007:
Every one in my department at work has gone on leave. I decide to get the work up to date while they are away. I work hard and am very proud of my efforts. The following Monday, my supervisor returns. She is in a huff. Her week at home was not restful. She suspects her husband of cheating. She does not notice the work I have achieved, but instead criticizes me for a minor error.
I am a schizophrenic and I have had a diagnosis for nearly forty years. I do not take kindly to criticism when I have tried so hard to be good and win praise. I send her an email, complaining that she has not noticed my efforts and accusing her of being blinkered. This does not go down well.
The next day, is my birthday and I am called into the Manager’s Office to “please explain”. The Manager is also disinterested in my efforts to win approval. She insists on my apologising. Half an hour into our meeting, the absurd begins. I abuse her with everything I can think of that is bad about her Management. She calls me “unsupervisable”, threatens to give me the sack!
The next day, my whole job outlook has turned sour. I go straight to the Manager, explain my problem - about my illness, my new flat, my stress and apologise profusely. I am allowed to stay in my job, but only on sufferance. All senior Management now know of the problem. I have to try hard to prove - not how good I am at my job - but that I am not a liability….
City skyline
September 2007:
Another issue with the same manager… I take two weeks sick leave to avoid a major argument. But two weeks are not enough. By now my stress levels are so high I am desperate. Daily walks along the beach bring invigoration and refreshment, but not release.
St Kilda pier
Summer 2008:
I am enrolled now at two university libraries and elect to spend my Christmas break researching this issue until I beat it. Thirty books are brought down in two shopping bags from one library and another 20-25 from the other.
I spend my Christmas vacation, reading, taking copious notes, adding my book’s citations into an Endnote library in preparation for posting in either a blog or a new website to share with my peers.
The news is shocking. There is much more evidence available on the Internet now than 3 years ago. Expert academics in the fields of Clinical psychology and Psychiatry have forward numerous amounts of evidence to suggest that psychiatry is a sham. It is based on shoddy science and unproven methodologies, that date back a century unchallenged.
BigPharma makes more profits on the Fortune 500 in America than any other industry. They make 5 times more than their closest rival. BigPharma is totally profit motivated and will stop at nothing to maintain their profit levels. Drugs are put on the market after only 5 week trials, yet these drugs are taken world wide by psych patients, sometimes for the term of their lives. Nobody knows exactly what it does to the human body but the evidence is mounting that the dangers continuously threaten drug takers health and lives. People with a psychiatric diagnosis, die many years earlier than their well counterparts, and in the Western world, once diagnosed and placed on a drug regime, the chance of ever recovering is slim. People are beginning to obtain evidence and statistics that the drugs cause chronic illness when initially people presented only with anxiety. Traditional Psychiatry’s major method of dealing with anxiety is through drug therapy. And while pursuing this line of treatment, it is estimated anyone in the psychiatric profession will probably be a millionaire within 2-3 years.
Luna Park
St Kilda Triangle re-development area
This is a damning indictment of psychiatry.
February 2008:
I walk along the beaches every day. The blues of sea and sky inspire me and serve to temporarily take my mind off the battle that is raging within. Now it is not just physical relief from my symptoms that concerns me, but a desire to let the world know the truth about what psychiatry has done and is doing. I believe I am tackling a problem as mammoth as Nazi Germany. I discover the website of Dr Yolande Lucire, Australian forensic psychiatrist, and we begin regular email contact. She suggests I make contact with young Melbourne mother Rebekah Beddoe, who recently publicized her adverse experiences in the private psychiatric system with her book “Dying for a cure”.
Rebekah has a Forum attached to her website and I log on. At last I have found the company of like-minded people. I log onto this website daily. It is my only source of emotional nourishment.
Chardonnay
1 April 2008:
After 13 months of slow withdrawal, I am on my last 25 mg. Rebekah personally suggests to me, that I now cease altogether. For one brief week I am in absolute bliss. For the first time in my adult life almost, I am drug free. But my nightmare is not yet begun.
Management at work, is concerned about my attitude, and threatens that if I do not seek outside counseling, they will have to move to protect the needs of other staff. I think Management is narrow-minded and has taken a discriminatory outlook.
May 2008:
Management gives extra work to new casual staff, but I am not included. I feel hurt. I know my most senior manager thinks I am too mentally fragile to be given extra work. She has no understanding of a mental health complaint. She is intolerant towards my problems and I believe she is victimizing me because I have been open about my disability.
Moroccan mosaic pillar
Mid May 2008:
I walk off the job in disgust. For one week, I walk a lot on the beach, read a lot, rest a lot. And then the trouble really begins with a vengeance. No GP in Melbourne would prescribe what I needed to relieve my symptoms. When withdrawing from psychiatric drugs, you need to replace hard to withdraw from drugs temporarily with easy to withdraw from drugs. Dr Lucire sent me a recipe she obtained from Professor David Healy. It called for valium to be taken to relieve the horrific stress and anxiety withdrawal causes. Even my most trusted GP, who finally agreed to prescribe the valium, a month after I had withdrawn (I really needed that valium 8 months before), advised me that if I continued to take this valium, very bad things would happen to me. Scared by this, I was not even able to avail myself of this small relief.
For 4 months, my voices raged, day and night. Fear dogged me and so did chronically excruciating insomnia. My walks along the beach became a nightmare as well, as nothing would still the voices despite the beauty of the scenery. I tried Stillness Meditation in an effort to quiet the noise, but it was also a useless exercise. My feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness are so bad, I think longingly of overdosing even though I know it can never be an option.
Palms in late winter sun
South Melbourne
August 2008:
No income for 3 months. I obtain part time work taking notes for disabled students at Uni. It is easy and rewarding work. It boosts my confidence somehow, and I apply for work in Geelong and obtain a 3 month position.
September 2008:
Immediately on gaining work, my spirits lift and also my self esteem.
October 2008:
My self confidence is restored and I am almost back to normal. I file a series of complaints with the Victorian Equal Opportunity Commission against my ex-employer, regarding discrimination on the grounds of impairment, but am not hopeful about the outcome!
By this time, I have managed to set up my website and have posted numerous evidence of the shocking truth about psychiatry… Eighteen months after beginning withdrawal seriously, life is almost back to normal. The Bay and its environs have inspired me to survive this traumatic and life-changing experience.
Spirit
Jackie Hatch … signing off!!
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Comments
Lost narratives and whispering tears..... its sensitive and hopeful!